I am standing on the threshold of insufferable agony. I despair not because of myself, of my failures, my unbecomings or insecurities but of what others have suffered. It is because of what they suffer, I, too, suffer.

Today I found yet another valued friend has been swifted away from me by the terrible deliverance of the dreaded "Permanent Dismissal" status. I pass by his apartment door and find it empty with none of the curtains, none of the anime posters and figs, no bed nor that cool angled table. It is empty. The sticker from the college radio show "Sushi Bar" stays but the masking tape bearing his name is also gone, which just flatly proves he no longer lives there.

And that makes three of them. Three valued friends that left the same way. Two of them from the J-culture organization I am a part of and one from the student/artist guild I head. I know two are not "ace students" like me and I, though should feel lucky that I am still here even with the same lax lifestyle they live, despair heavily upon my stay here. The other, I do not presume to assume his learning habit.

It is because I cannot feel their pain that partly I am in agony. I cannot really say I understand them knowing I have not experienced their dilemmas, their struggles and fears. I wish somehow, to feel the pain they do so I can carry theirs. They are few, the friends that I dare call them. How I cannot even aid them in their time of deep struggle as sincerely as I ideal drives me to despair.

But the bigger part as to why I feel I should not stay here is because of how I know how agonizing my life will be knowing how few I can talk to during the meetings in both orgs. No more of the chatter before the meeting and no more of the long talks before opening our respective apartment doors. None of the gaming sessions where we play the games other people no longer play and no more drinking gin on the floor, too wasted to move.

How I mourn like I have a storm hath claimed them. I may just be overreacting but truly, I do so despair. I endeavored not to feel this way in my games and shows that I but can not. Is this really how it feels to truly despair?

This entry is very long. And like the length of this entry is the suffering of the remainder of my college days where the ones I truly call friends are few and far between.

And now, they have gotten even fewer and far between.